iLiza's eyes

I went to Philadelphia yesterday for about an hour and a half. I had made a dentist appointment six months back and realized that I wouldn't be in town once it was too late to cancel. So I took a five-hour train ride to get my teeth cleaned for 40 minutes.

I hadn't walked around center city Philadelphia during lunchtime on a summer day for two years-- the last time was during what I deem the worst summer of my life, after freshman year of college. That summer is blurred for me: the allergies, the depression, the trainrides, the heat, the ex-boyfriend, the therapy, the 9-5 workday. That summer was my greatest low, and until yesterday it was easily forgettable and over-shadowed by the memory of every other fabulous summer in my life.

I grew bitter towards Philadelphia after that summer, developed distaste for the city and for the law profession. I decided that summer that I didn't want to be a lawyer and months later, once again in New York and back to my normal, happy self, I decided I would hide in New York City forever, build my life here, and turn my back on the place where I grew up.

I should have known that that sentiment would change. I should have known I'd be drawn back to Philadelphia six months ago, when I was again overcome with the urge to be a lawyer, felt compelled to take a law class and allowed myself to be hooked in and obsessed.

I was exasperated when I got to Philly yesterday. My phone had shut down on me, it was hot and I was late to the dentist. But something felt oddly right when I was there, something felt a little more calm, a little more therapeutic: the older man at the dentist who looked at me and couldn't stop smiling and initiating conversation, the narrow sidewalks, the light traffic, the sunlit streets that aren't overshadowed by enormous buildings, and the business people lollygagging down the street who have somehow burned out the flame under their asses and learned to enjoy a full lunch hour. And then there was me, and I practically plowed the pedestrians over, just to be early to catch the train back.

I dreamed last night about Philadelphia, during the moments when I was actually able to sleep. I dreamed of Spanish and dogs and sun and calm. And I woke up this morning no longer opposed to leaving New York when the time comes, no longer feeling like I need constant stimulation to help me deal with my life, no longer feeling the need to hide under tall buildings.

posted by iliza @ 10:48 AM